San Fran Trip

What makes me want to leave

People not answering
Not answering texts
Liking peoples shit who you introduced them too more than yours
Acting closer to your friends then you are
Holding grudges for dumb shit
Hypocrites
People who NEVER fucking talk to you unless you talk to them first
When you only ever see someone because you make the plans

Press on Nails

Completely consumed in myself. Perhaps this paranoia about people and what they think of me has mattered lately. Maybe cause I have time to stop and think about it. And now that I have stopped to think about it. I realize that I destroyed every single relationship to give them 100% of my life and heart. And being cast away so abruptly. I see everything I have been missing. I see everything I had left behind, forgotten about, stopped touching. I'm being forgotten and I am not missed. I guess I just wish I knew how to get over that.

Why do you care

Moments when you have noticed someone deleted you, or they didn't message you back. I think, I wonder what i must have done to make them not like me. I guess it doesn't have to be that. I then think, wtf do I care. Lol. I have a horrible problem of needing to please people and needing them to like me. When I really don't.

It was finally decided that we are not going to Australia. More on that later ;)

Recent Vegas Trip

LeT

I find myself almost in the state of a teenager these days, Melodramatic if you will. Heh. Up and Down and Up and Down again. Sometimes finding my way out of the hole, often times not. Letting the memories sit like foam on my brain. I'm afraid I have to forget them to be able to move on. I think it's the nature of humans to feel unresolved in this matter, unaware of the happiness the lies within their own minds. Funny that knowing everything I do, It changes nothing I feel in my heart. I guess that would be the biggest human flaw ever. We are so draw to what is physically happening to us in the moment, the heart beat increasing, the pounding, the sudden awareness of how fast or slow its going. A loss putting a weight on our chests, as if we have no control of it. We do, and we Can over come ourselves. You can get over yourself and think about the fucking world instead of YOU YOU YOU all the time. And I guess that is where I draw my energy towards, trying to be grateful for where I am and what I have even though I am so terribly disappointed with this pit stop in life. No matter, I live to dream again

you moved into to my mind again

"Quicksand"

Oo-oo-oo-oo
Oo-oo-oo-oo

I'm the obsessor
Holding your hand
It seems you have forgotten
About your man
Alone in the darkness
My bed's a different land
Your touch intensifies
And I'm in the quicksand
I'm in the quicksand
I'm in the quicksand

You're the upsetter
Stroking my hand
What's my position?
I don't understand
Am I your possession?
Am I in demand?
Oh, when you turn to me
I'm in the quicksand
I'm in the quicksand
I'm in the quicksand

You, you moved into to my mind again, oh
You, walking around rent free, oh
Oh, I can't let you stay
But I'm walking on broken ground again
Oh, when will I learn?
All you do is push me back in the dirt

Oo-oo-oo-oo
Oo-oo-oo-oo

Aaah, Aaah
I'm in the quicksand
oo-oo-oo-oo
I'm in the quicksand
oo-oo-oo-oo
I'm in the quicksand
oo-oo-oo-oo
I'm in the quicksand

Egg and Spinach Quiche Cups

Egg and Spinach Quiche Cups

10 ounces frozen chopped spinach
3/4 cup egg whites
3/4 cup shredded fat free cheese
1/4 cup red bell pepper, chopped
1/4 cup onion, chopped fine
hot sauce (optional)

Microwave the spinach on high for 2 1/2 minutes. Drain completely.
Line a 12 cup muffin tray with foil baking cups. Spray the cups with cooking spray.
Combine the egg substitute, cheese, mushrooms, spinach and onions in a bowl.
Add hot pepper to taste.
Divide evenly among the cups.
Bake at 350 for 20 minutes or until knife inserted comes out clean.
May then be frozen if desired.
Makes six muffin cups, 75 Calories each

=D

iPad with Wi-Fi 16GB - White (3rd generation)

Pre Ordered? Hells Yes

I want to make this

Title

Looking back at these I feel so much anger when I read them. But not in a bad way, remembering what my goal is. Honestly I am okay. I am happy now, now that I see everything on the outside.

My heart was broken, I couldn't sleep, eat, barely breathe. My direction, gone. My passion and heart, not. So I figured I would just tell myself to chill out for a few days.

This past week has been a dream. Good and bad, sometimes I think of what happened and get upset, but only for a few minutes. A few things I am remembering....

**I Define me
Not other THINGS, or PEOPLE, or PLACES. So focus on my talents and desires. Above all, and everything else.

**Take care of ME
For the next 30 days, my days will fully be focused around changing my body. For YEARS, I have let things go after I was sick. It's time to be the person I know I am, inside and especially out. Truth be told I was happy to be left alone after gaining weight. Being stalked and sought after when you are a girl in the world alone can be a scary thing. I'm over that now, and I want to feel good again. It's been 4 days so far and I can already see a difference in my face. Eating only meats, veggies, and a few other things like eggs, tiny amounts of cheese, etc. Never exceeding 1,200 calories a day. Followed by awesome diet pills, and working out twice a day. Feels absolutely incredible to be taking care of myself. With no pressure and no worries. I have taken "before pictures" Which i thought i would post, but I am not, cause yea...even though NO ONE reads this. I'm still shy?? Idk lol

All in all, I decided to try to relish this moment in my life of uncertainty. And its with everything.

When you think things cant possibly get worse

But they can...

We Can Burn Brighter Than The Sun

I thought I would be ready to let it all out, I guess not

More then ever

I want to travel so badly..

=)

The audacity of People sometimes

...........

And now I have time to clarify. I am going to have to bullet point this one out..

* Asks us to go to Australia, be in wedding - Going to cost 1000$ just for ticket and required items that I have to purchase such as my dress. Awesome. Guess I don't start school this year...

*Asks me to not be in the wedding. Mind you this person thinks of themselves as the utmost classiest person to walk the planet. [ Andrew gets on the phone, gets mad, demands to also be in the wedding ] Then we are "in the wedding"

*Sends me a FB POST saying I am the maid of honor. I mean, can you talk class? Thy is so above everyone else. And yet this behavior continues... We talked via FB once about the matter, I had asked what I could do if I she needed me to help plan her party. Nope, just dump all the money into it as soon as you can. Yes, WHEN I HAVE MY TAXES.

*The next few weeks follow with endless guilt trips about my passport, and when we would have money for the ticket. My answer never changed and I didn't magically get money in my pocket. "So uh, when are you guys getting your passport??" "Yea know, it takes MONTHS to get a Passport and ticket" "Uh did you get your passport yet??" And so on and SO forth and so on and SO forth. Fucking driving me insane. Meanwhile Andrew doesn't have to pay for his ticket and has his passport. We ran out of money so we couldn't get mine too. Its an endless cycle.


*Posts passive aggressive nonsense on my wall such as "If you plan on coming Blah blah blah" If I plan on coming?? I just spent the last week talking about this with my boss because 2 weeks off equals half the month, and that doesn't look good when you are trying to prove your worth on a 4 month TA. Not only that, I'm actually needed. My team is shorthanded and I am there to help. I guess a cook in a kitchen could never understand that. She was not happy about it and I knew it. I was going to be spending all the vacation time I had left just to go to this. Which means, for this entire year I would have to wait for my slow ass requiring vacation to be able to have ANY days off. FOR The Entire Year. Not only that I have people on my FB who I have been talk to about this, it makes me look bad when she makes it sound like I am not going. WTF.. Really? On my FB wall, You can't send a message? You can't fucking call? Or Skype? You have to be fucking 17 years old in high school. Wow, we are all so jealous of your "wonderful life" . LMFAO, NOT.

*Andrew tells her not to worry and that it will be taken care of. My taxes were going to be deposited that week - So I was still waiting, Mind you we have time still, and nothing is too late atm. Absolutely no reason for a meltdown. - She flips out and calls us Ingrates, and Unwelcome - You're not in the wedding, I don't want you here - Pretty much the worst things possible to say. And honestly how bad should we feel if she didn't want any of her family in the wedding in the first place? I for one could not give one flying fuck. It actually made me laugh cause I knew she was going to flip out about something so she could tell us not to be in it. She wanted us to be grateful that we get to sleep on a pull out couch in a small ass apartment... in the living room... God its so fucking asinine it makes my head hurt. Get this GET THIS. They don't even pay for that apartment, NOPE - His parents let them live there for free. Man. Yea know. That must be such a HUGE sacrifice, Giving us living room space you don't fucking work for. Awww yea know. I am so fucking grateful....

After the conversation. Miss Oh I am so much better then everyone else (she doesn't let you forget, she is sure to remind you on FB, EVERY day, with a witty comment cause its so clever and original ya know?) Posts yet another passive aggressive comment, posting that she is SO HAPPY all the time, ALL THE TIME. OMG haters, I LOVE THEM. Classy,lol, really it's just laughable at this point, Religious? I think not, Fake - FUCK Yes.

So that's the end of it as of right now, and they are not on speaking terms, 1 day later after this my tax return came. Go fucking figure. I fucking hate people.

Mehbeh

I thought if I started earlier today it would feel shorter. So far, No. LOL. Its HOURS till my lunch and I am lost in thought already. I feel like I'm getting sick. Couldn't sleep this morning, was too fucking cold. I hate that house and I hate the life I have to live to be in it.

something real

It feels as if I had a really bad nap during my weekend. I was very agitated most of it and couldn't get things done the way I wanted/when I wanted to. Best thing about this weekend was sushi on Saturday night. At the lovely Zen Sushi (my favorite place). It's like my modern day cheers. They know me and always say hi, we even have our own set of chopsticks there. #26

I guess what bothers me is constantly flexing around everything and everyone. And not really feeling as if that is done for me. Don't get me wrong, he does work around me...when I through a fit that is. I want something real and normal and I guess being around his family so much has just pushed me to the deep end of tolerance with them interfering in our lives as if we were teenagers. Planning our trip, hounding for details, etc, etc. All while putting us in the middle of his mom and grandma. Whom BOTH want to plan their trips around us....Its exhausting.

Current goals, Keep to weight watchers, exercise, kick ass at work. Wishing everyday I could wake up to a new life.... I know it's out there...

Quilling

I'm glad I'm here

As hard as everything is, as lonely and sad I get. I am happy to be doing exactly what I want. To be here in this moment is all I wanted. Experience. A new adventure. Regardless of the weight I must carry to have it. I don't care.

Always

Just before I go to sleep
There's a rendez-vous I keep
And, my darling, till we do
You are always in my heart.

Bend, Oregon

I went to visit my best friend Katrina, it was a short trip but was exactly what I needed.

Big Bear

In all my years, I had never been in snow. Always close to it, but somehow always falling through. Finally went.

The texture was nothing I had expected, I guess I thought it would have been softer? But either way it was cool to finally make a snow ball. We ate at a small place down the road called Blondie's. It was like a step up from Dennys, but the lady was really nice. It was clean and very mellow.

So Very

Happy to be home